« You're Fired. | Main | He Loves Me »

Otto Titsling vs. Philippe DeBrassiere

Having recently lost some weight, I decided it was time for a new bra. The old one was getting baggy, and if there's one word no woman wants in the same sentence as her bosom, its "baggy." Which is how I ended up in Marshall Field's over lunch, being felt up by a little old lady with a measuring tape.

After being fully assessed and given my new size, I ventured off into the wonderland known simply as Intimate Apparel. For the uninitiated, there are two main realms in the world of Intimate Apparel. There's the one they put up front with the model wearing scandalous lace underwear, behind which racks of DKNY, D&G, and Calvin Klein undergarments are carefully displayed. Then, behind that, safe beyond the prying eyes of the everyday shopper, there is my section. The "full coverage" section, where the brands change from names like "On Gossamer" to names like "Olga" and the length of the display efforts are that maybe, if you're lucky, the bras will be hung in size order.

Normally, I'd stick to my section. But, drunk on the idea of a new bra in a smaller size, and wooed by the velvet and rhinestone-encrusted Valentine's Day displays, I selected all number of frilly, lacy, pushup, red-and-black, embroidered impracticalities. Said impracticality was immediately apparent in the fitting room. Any woman in my endowment range (and this includes you, Pamela Anderson!) who is wearing any kind of tiny-strapped half-cupped anything can do so only because her boobs are made of something akin to Silly Putty. Something that can be molded to fit one's whim. Not a naturally-occuring large bosom. A naturally-occurring large bosom is an unwieldy beast. Like a young horse, it must be broken. It must be fenced in, controlled, penned, until it's old and ready to be made into glue or put down (or rather, just go down on its own as is the natural, gravitational order of things).

After having my push-up dreams swiftly crushed by the dressing room mirror, I abandoned the frilly numbers and went out to find something more appropriate. As I approached the desk, the little old lady held up a bra and called out to me, "Sweetie, I was thinking about this one for you."

When she held it up I actually heard a sound like the one they played when you picked the wrong door on "Let's Make a Deal." The straps on this thing were as wide as the waistband on Paris Hilton's pants. There was no way I was wearing that thing.

"Um, yeah." I replied. "Except, do you have one with thinner straps?"

"Oh sure, honey. Let's see what we've got."

We ventured back out into the fray. I knew I was in trouble when she said, "Is price an object for you?"

I replied that I'd prefer to spend a reasonable amount, meaning, "I only want you to select bras from these racks with the 'SALE: $17.99' signs on them." She must have interpreted that to mean, "I'm a sucker who needs a new bra, so please help me and my saggy baggies get on track." Because she handed me a bra and said, "I know it's probably more than what you want to spend, but it's my favorite. Give it a try."

And who am I to argue with a woman for whom bras are life? She sees weary fun bags every day, and she perks them up. It's her job. Which is how I ended up spending $54 on a bra.

It's a ridiculous amount of money, I agree, but damn if I'm not happily lifted and separated.

Posted February 9, 2004 10:03 PM | On This Day: 2005 2003



*THAT* was excellent. Nice rack.

apparently girls in the UK have bigger bubbies.

try here: http://www.b2g.ltd.uk/

I know this only because I'm not only a fan, but I'm sympathetic to those so endowed. Just thought I'd help.

I do have to say that not long ago I did work at Marshall Fields and that was one of my sections... and we _never_ put the bras in order. I think we were told once it was a good idea, but that section is so over packed it was impossible.

I was able to indulge a little back then on some really nice (and expensive!) undies, thanks to the little discount... Congrats on the new bra!

Um. What can I possibly say that wouldn't be interpreted in completely the wrong way?

Zilch, that's what. So I'm gonna keep my trap shut and simply congratulate you on your recent separation from 54 bucks.

I just have to comment on one of my pet peaves about clothes shopping, my wife is a size (I had better not say, I might get in trouble) but lets just say really small. anyway when we go shopping and she is looking at clothes, all the smallest sizes are on the very top of the rack with the large sizes at the bottom. I know that this makes a nice little pyramid looking display but lets face it, the people who want the the smallest sizes are going to be the most challanged to get their size.

ok... I have had my soapbox moment back to Bra Talk with Clasp and Snap.

Oh I was / am so in your boat. But I went to Marshall fields and found thee BEST bras for me (IE Full figure D or DD regular). Or they have the bigger ones too I think up to EEE. But anyways they are by Felina. They are the best - plus they are cute and not old granny like. Try them! I think they are like $29.99 or something but they make you perky like you haven't been since we were 12 or somethin. Ok that was long. Check them out here - www.felina.com (oh and cute matching underwear which I would NEVER do but you can't resists these. I am tellin ya!)

Can everyone stop talking about my sister's boobs please?

She started it.

Yeah! Honestly, i only come to check out what happening in the world of family. Not to talk about rack of cousin! Damned funny though, and I'm damned pleased to be a guy!

Where are the photos? Let's see the new rack!