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Poker in the Rear

Saturday afternoon, I went to see Gangs of New York with my parents. Since the film is about the Irish, we are required by law to see it. If you, however, are not Irish, I strongly urge you to stay far, far away from this film. It is an awful piece of shite.

Even more awful was the fact that I ended up sitting in between my mother and father. Normally, this wouldn't be so bad, except that there were several scenes involving sex, boobies, and whorehouses. There is nothing, nothing more uncomfortable than sitting in between your parents while the three of you are watching Cameron Diaz and Leonardo diCaprio engage in mad, passionate animal sex. I wanted to die.

I called Juggy later that night, and he was in a friend's garage* playing poker. I promptly invited myself over, planning just to mooch free beer and annoy everyone who was trying to play. After a while, I got sucked into the game, though. Yeah! I played real poker for real money!

The first hand went something like this:
Dealer: How many you want?
Me: (furrowing brow) Um, none.
Juggy: Are you sure?
Me: Uh. Yeah. I think.
Other players look at each other in concern. After betting, I lay down my hand.
Juggy: A full house!
Me: That's good, right?

The rest of the game was not so lucky. I lost everything I came with, along with everything Juggy lent me. But, I did mange to finagle the free beer. And I also learned how to play poker. Sort of.

*Okay, so this so-called "garage" was heated AND contained a red Harley-Davidson Road King and an old Volkswagen Beetle. *swoon*

Posted January 27, 2003 11:31 AM



I'm not sure, but that uncomfortable feeling you had watching Cameron and Leo going at it was probably just nausea at how bad they were at it, and how little you cared about their characters.....On second thought, I can remember sitting with my Mom and watching "3 Days Down in the Valley". James Spader was using ice cubes on Charlize Therone and then they........ and thinking ....and.....Ewwwwww...nevermind you are right, that was just wrong. I have not been to the movies with my Mom since.
But I digress..

Arggghhh!!!! How could you gork up a story and movie as grand and rich as this? Huge and epic are words that came to mind when I watched it. ..Unfortunately, I was also thinking.. flawed and disjointed and unfocused.
Except for the DDLewis character "Bill the Butcher", I found none of the people in this movie interesting or compelling. Michael Ballhaus the cinematographer filled the screen with an exquisite color pallate and flavor but to what end? Smudge up Cameron and Leo and give them some stupid lines, let Leo stare broodingly off into space for 15 minutes and you have a good description of half the movie.

Credit goes to Scorsese for at least trying to wrap his fingers around this movie, but I think in the end, all I left with was frustration and disappointment. A movie of this scope and budget in the hands of one of films master craftsman??? I had high hopes.....Too Bad! Not only for myself but for Danial Day Lewis who's brilliant work gets drownd out in this ocean of a movie. Also, what a waste of Liam Neeson and John C. Riley. Why he did not flesh these guys out more is a mystery. Production wise, the movie looked magnificent. It captured the seedy texture and flavor of the time and place, but again...because of the lack of compelling people to care about, we don't care....

Now, on to a rant...
Now I love looking at naked women as much (or more) than anyone, but I have a bit of a pet peve when it comes to the ridiculous amounts of gratuitous nudity in the movies. Why oh why are there multiple scenes in this film, with a whorehouse with naked women strategically placed everywhere? No sexually exposed men either for the most part.... What's up with that? If it is a whorehouse and there is nudity..Where is the beef?
Ok, if you need it to carry the story arc? Fine. Are you trying for atmosphere? OK. Need to tell me something about a character ? Great! Titillation? I love Titillation. (Sorry that IS a word that fits in this context..;-) )

I am NOT against nudity in movies!!!(Frankly the last 2 Star Wars movies could have used nudity...they needed SOMETHING like a bare-assed Natilie Portman and Hayden Christensen to interrupt the general suck-ed-ness of those films)
But the fact that it was a whorehouse really added nothing to this plot. And so ok, you want the whorehouse for backdrop...allright use it ONCE or twice but do you have to parade boobimus maximus in EVERY SCENE???? Nooooo! Once was not enough. We went back again and again, and for some reason there were always naked women louging about with their blouses undone...DUH!! At a mind numbing 168 minutes long, we could have cut 2 or 3 scenes in the "boob parlour" and it would have tightened the movie up a ton. (Something it could have used) All without losing anything worthwhile. End of Rant..

And while we are talking about losing things, I say we get rid of 15 minutes of the brooding Leonardo DiCaprio in this movie. Yuck!! He sucks in this film..period.

I gave it 2 middle fingers down on the Siskel and Ebert scale...except for Danial Day Lewis who I think deserves the Oscar for his performance. He was amazing I thought.

P.S. You lost everything you brought and money you borrowed? Sounds to me like you learned all about poker ..

haha whats even more embarassing is when your mom is reading it at my house to my parents when I'm sitting in between them!

Jack: Agreed on all points! Daniel Day-Lewis was the only bright spot in an otherwise crap movie.

Elinor: Oh, dear God. My mom hands this URL out like candy. Not realizing, of course, that there might be razor blades in here.

Mom: I love you. You're pretty.

The movie was complete dirt and bullshit! It was the worst!
Thats basically what your saying about the movie, right?
let me ask you aquestion, have you ever seen the movie "Gods and Generals" or most the Van Damme movies, or "The Fast and the Furious"? Now those films that came(I'm pretty sure)from the devils ass are you be calling BULLSHITT! And you want to wyne about a few sex scenes and tits, what are you like like 30, it's time to grow the fuck up! I'm from an Irish family that takes pride in Irish theme productions, but not all of them, considering what we've been through the years, but dont worry, I'm not going to take you through a life story. I'm saw the movie with my parents too, and(not talking about the sex scenes)we were surprised with it, we thought it would be worse. I mean how much do you expect much from a movie about the native irish newcomers to America, think about it. Also, I dont know if your an actor or not, but just what the fuck do you know about it. Leonardo DiCaprio has been a well known talented actor for the past seven years, and you talk about him like was Mariah Carrey trying to be actor! Of course I could be wrong, I been known to asume things to quick, so i apologize if I've affended anyone. Also I thought that Daniel Day Lewis and his performance in it was brilliant, could'nt picture anyone playing Bill Cutting(the butcher), and it disturbed me and I thought it was bullshit too when he did'nt get the Oscar the he well deserved. By the way, you ott to be on the show with Ebert! because you really are one hell of a fuckin CRITIC!