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Haiku You

Went to the open mic last night, primarily to see CR Avery (who was kickass), and secondarily to perform some Thanksgiving poetry. However, a younger brother who will remain nameless didn't tell me it was a school night for him, so my evening was cut short by an angry call from my parents demanding his immediate return. So, since I didn't get to read my poems last night, here are some holiday haiku (some are new, some I found in an old writing folder from '98):

holidays are here
spending time with relatives
hand me my drink, please

dad will likely yell
wonder who will cry this year
all bets are on me

dear mister turkey
i have a special message
you gonna die, bitch

innocent young bird
dead and cooked on my table
that bastard tastes good

biggest shopping day
it's happening this weekend
capitalism

happy turkey day
to all my wonderful friends
can-shaped cranberries!

Posted November 27, 2002 12:55 PM

 

4 Comments

Thank god you didn't stick around because if you had, you'd have been forced to sit through the torture that was my reading.

Whoa, are we starting to share the same brain? The same day Haiku posts is scary.

Mmm Ocean Spray Canned Cranberry Jelly! My favorite part of the whole meal. Serious. I love the perfect circle and the ridges. You probably already know this but you need to open both ends of the can to get it to come out in the perfect can shape. I only recently learned that it's best to take a thin slice off one side in order for it to sit in the dish properly and prevent it from whisking itself onto and across the floor... okay TMI.

couple things:

FIRST: poetry typically sucks when written during the holidays unless you are fucking charles dickens or sumpin.

SECOND (but could also be first): It ain't thanksgiving until some relative does something embarrassing. Dysfunction not only offers a memorable holiday but sustains the service-class economy in therapists.

FOURTH or something: your HAIKU make me insanely jealous. Perhaps in a past life, you were Buck Henry, writing Graduate in haiku (or on some Saturday Night Live skit).

SECOND (again, this can be placed anywhere, maybe second): CRANBERRY SAUCE OCCURS NATURALLY IN THE WILD IN A CYLINDRICAL SHAPE. THEY ARE CAPTURED BY THE GREAT GNOME-LIKE CRANBERRY SAUCE HUNTERS WHO EMPLOY A TECHNIQUE CALLED "SLAP-CANNING." THE GNOMES TRADE IN THEIR SLAP-CANNED CRANBERRY FOR AIRLINE TICKETS AROUND THE WORLD AND PERHAPS A NICE RETIREMENT AMONG THE OTHER GNOMES IN THE FORRESTS OF UPPER PENINSULA MICHIGAN WHERE THEY RUN CAT FOR EXTRA CASH WHEN THE SLAP-CAN MONEY HAS RUN OUT AND THEY MAYBE MADE SOME BAD INVESTMENTS AND WOUND UP IN THIS CRUMMY RACKIT AND HAVE TO PUT UP WITH LITTLE PUNKS LIKE YOU WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE QUALITY OF THE SPEED AND SO, IT KEEPS YOU UP AND YOUR LIVER IS SHOT, BUT YOU STILL GOT YOUR YOUTH AND THE TERROR YOUR OLD AGE TO LIVE THROUGH WITH A REPLACEMENT LIVER... AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T MISS ANY GOOD T.V. SITTING THROUGH THE DAMN WATERGATE HEARINGS...

FIRST AGAIN: There is Onkle Axel who keeps staring at his own brother, Walt, calling him Spock, because, let's face it, since Spock, I mean Onkle Walk had his testicular cancer, he kind of looks like Spock, pointy-ears-and-all and wierd bang haircut his slut care taker gave him that night we all took that OxyContin and drank all that wine and, well, Walt don't talk much anymore... Who could blame him. We told him that if he finked, we'd kill him...

Yeah, baby, Thanksgiving RULES!!