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You, Me, and Jesus Makes 3

Missions Accomplished: I saw Lyz and went to both IKEA and the Fluevog store!

But really, the whole reason for the Chicago trip was the wedding of Tommy's college friend, G, to a woman we'll call M. (I don't want to reveal who they are, because I'm about to break down their whole wedding weekend in a really bitchy way that will ensure me a special place in hell.)

Thursday: Bachelor Party
They scheduled the bachelor/ette parties the Thursday before the wedding, ostensibly so G could party with all his out-of-town friends. Tommy went with them, and I went out with my cousin Lyz: dinner at Bin 36, then cocktails at Garrett Something-or-others (cutie cute bartender...Irish! *swoon*) and Star Bar. G had earlier invited me (via Tom) to go hang out with "the girls," but my response was somewhere along the lines of, "I'd rather die." I had seen M's photo on the wedding website, and knew immediately this was not a girl for me. When your high maintenance and controlling nature comes across in a photo...it's time to get help. (My harsh pre-judgement was vindicated by the bride's sister's toast at the reception: "When we were young, we played school and M always had to be the teacher. We had a club and she had to be the President. M is always in control, and she never settles for anything less than the best." Subext: Be-otch!)

Friday: Rehearsal
Thursday we shared our room with two friends of Tom's who were both groomsmen. They had be at breakfast with the bridal party at 9:00am...the night after a bachelor party. Cruel and unusual punishment, to be sure. They both had "Official Wedding Party Packets" which I read aloud to the amusement of all. I suspect that M created this document in high school and simply entered the correct name in the "groom" field once she finally got asked. This girl had written things to the groomsmen like "Don't forget your socks." and "BE AWARE OF WHERE G IS AT ALL TIMES, AS HE CANNOT SEE M BEFORE THE WEDDING." Subtext, "Do not fuck up the day that I have been planning since I was 7 or you will lose a limb and quite possibly your life. I AM THE PRINCESS!"

Saturday: M's Special Day
Tommy and I walked up and down Michigan Avenue and then drove to Chesterton, Indiana. Home of...nothing notable.

Went to the wedding which was at the First Christian Church, a church I dislike for two reasons. First, the term Christian is just too anonymous. Pick a religion with some history and controversy, or become a Unitarian, people. Saying you're "Christian" is like being that yellow can in a low-budget movie labeled "Beer." Be a brand name. Pick a team. Second, but along the same lines, why are newly constructed churches so sterile and plain? Call me Catholic, but I want to see some dramatic Biblical reenactments in stained glass on every window. I want uncomfortable wooden pews and an altar that lets me know who's the boss and who's going to Hell. Screw this white-walled berber carpeting bullshit.

Since the wedding wasn't Catholic, it took like ten minutes. It would have been even shorter, but we had to wait for the seven bridesmaids to make their way down the aisle. Yes, seven. The couple wrote their own vows, which was actually pretty cool (Okay, cool except the part when the bride extolled the virtues of subservience to her husband.). With the exception of soap operas, I've never seen anyone do their own vows. Funny side note: the groom's vows took up an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper. The bride had an index card.

Once that agony - I mean ceremony - was over, we all filed into the hall to collect our ubiquitious jar o' bubbles. After waiting for longer than the wedding itself, the bride and groom finally ran by while we all blew bubbles at them. Ah, romance!

Off to Sand Creek Country Club for the reception: fancy appetizers and a little wine, then everyone is seated, and the DJ gets on the mic and starts thanking Grandmas and Moms and Dads and then (here's where it gets weird) he starts introducing the bridesmaids and groomsmen while they come in two-by-two and take their seats at the head table. Tommy looked at me like, "Did we accidentally crash a prom?!" To add to the insanity, the DJ is playing a dance mix version of Enya's "Only Time." Then the toasts: it was Jesus this, and Jesus that. Don't get me wrong, he's a swell guy. But, really. Enough already!

Tom and I, and the only other heathens we could find, spent the night laying down bets on what the first song would be, and who would be the first person asked if they wanted to hear some "Good News."

And if all that doesn't send me to Satan's lair: when I wasn't acting as the official bookie of Table 2, I was lusting after the hot, young, goateed pastor. I was hoping he'd teach me the Electric Slide, but unfortunately he spent most of the night swing dancing with some tart from M's bible study group. I wish I was kidding.

Posted November 18, 2002 5:12 PM | On This Day: 2004

 

8 Comments

Aaaah.... This is exactly why I didn't have a "proper" wedding... ;)

This summer I went to one of my cousin's weddings...I'll have to say it was rather disappointing to drive an hour and a half to go to a 10 minute wedding at a golf course. Which is far worse than the generic office

but at least the beer afterwards was free, and I could shake it for hours with my younger cousins! That made it all worth while. Too bad our love can only exist on the dance floor or Alabama.

dammit! I ment to say "generic office church" at the end of the first paragraph.

hope I didn't disappoint any of you kohout watchers.

OMG - you frighten me. Everyone said they had a great time at my wedding, but what if they all talked about us this way?! Eek!

You go girl! I hate shitty weddings. The worst I ever attended had to be the kegger... with paper plates... and a boom box.

MJ...I miss you. You need to come back and vist soon. Or...perhaps...Mops and I should come to your neck of the woods!

Hell yeah, get your suacy pants out here! We're having a big party next Saturday - wanna come?

Oooooh, it would be just like her to ditch MY party to come hang out you in some far-off state!

OMG, meggy, your subtexts were hilarious.

Hell yeah--THIS was some funny shit!