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I seem to let my

I seem to let my life go in cycles of being very organized, or being on the verge of falling apart. In case you haven't noticed, I am currently falling apart. I paid my rent late this month, I haven't balanced my check book in an ungodly long time, I can't seem to get out bed at a decent hour, in fact, I can't seem to commit myself to any real routine of sleeping, eating or exercise.

In general, I like routine. I thrive on it. I'm probably going to be one of those moms that has "Taco Tuesdays" and calendars on the fridge with color-coded stickers for each kid or some crap like that. Okay, maybe not. But, it's true that I like order. I can relax when things around me are in their proper place. I think that's why I've been so agitated; I haven't found my proper place. And now that I live alone, there's no one to distract me from that fact. When you have a roommate, or you live with your boyfriend, you can default to that roommate or girlfriend identity at any time. Just by being around, they help to define who you are and how you should act.

In relation to the first roommate I ever had, I was the irresponsible one. I was the messy one, the one who didn't do the dishes right away or check the mail every day. She was the force of order in our apartment. When she moved out and my friend Matt moved in, I somehow ended up in her old role of "the clean and responsible one." So, it's strange to live alone and realize, finally, that I am both. Sometimes I am responsible. Sometimes I'm a fuckup. And sometimes there's no one other than yourself that cares either way. No one's going to pat you on the back for cleaning the toilet, or leave a bitchy note on the fridge because you haven't paid your half of the electric bill. II guess I haven't gotten used to that yet.

Posted August 6, 2002 8:59 PM | On This Day: 2003

 

4 Comments

notice how nobody is touching the sadness?

touch my sadness! TOUCH IT!!!

you know what, though? if you look down at that post on the day of the BBQ, that was super-happy and no one touched that, either.so apparently people just stay away from my extreme emotions altogether.

I'll touch your sadness... baby. ;)Actually, I've been thinking a lot abou this issue lately. I was going to say that buying a house really forces you to get organized, but the opposite is actually more true... I have no idea where anything is right now, including half the bills I'm suppose to be paying. There is mail laying all over every flat surface in the living room, and when I get home after work (at least, this week, which has been particularly emotionally stressful) I just want to sit and watch a movie or play video games. NOT get organized... unpack boxes, put things in their new "homes", clean up the empty pop cans, etc. I am a total wreck!!!