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What would I do if

What would I do if I won the lottery? I'll tell you: I would get laser hair removal on my entire body, thereby eliminating the need for most plucking, shaving and waxing. I bet if I added up the number of hours I spent dealing with the various hairs that grow from head to toe, I'd have a solid year of time built up. Why, if I would have let myself get as hairy as a sasquatch, I probably could have cured cancer.

I enjoy dealing with the hair on my head. Haircuts, highlights, dyes, curls, barrettes: these things are fun. But let's move south a bit and deal with the eyebrows. I try to maintain the between-wax pluckings, but it seems like you wake up one morning with caterpillars on your forehead and have to go wax again. There goes damn near $20. Plus, your waxing lady can never fit you in right away so you have to walk around with sloppy brows for up to a week and a half. Then there's the occasional freaky witch-like chin hair, so you've got another $20 in electrolysis to burn that mother off (because if you pluck it it will only come back worse). Now we're at the armpits, and those bitches have to be shaved daily or your male friends will freak out when you raise your arm (theory tested and proven). Now that they're taken care of we have the pucci to deal with. I know, this is an all-ages site. But really, you have to keep things under control around that region which is a royal pain. I tried waxing once but having a molten hot substance near one's lotus flower is really not the way to spend a Saturday afternoon or $40. Shaving is great if you don't mind the wicked itch you get when it starts growing back. On to the legs: bane of my existence. I have very dark hair and if I expect to wear shorts or a skirt it's a daily task keeping the gams smooth. Nicks, cuts, razor burn, missed patches...these are the days of our lives. Of course, you could try the Epilady, but that product disappeared from our radars for a reason: because it ripped out the hairs one at a time, and that doesn't tickle. Then there's the feet. Now, I'm no Hobbit, but if you look closely at any woman's feet there's going to be a couple of sprouts. And it's gross. So, you either shave, or you wax, or in a fit of desperation you order Nad's only to realize that it is not, as the infomercial says, painless.

The only other option seems to be to get all hairy, wear peasant dresses, and start listening to Phish. Or get all hairy, wear Doc Martens and keep listening to Ani di Franco. Whatever.

Posted September 24, 2002 4:47 PM

 

7 Comments

The conspiracy:http://www.atalink.co.uk/npa/html/p256.htm

Hey, but society does not want women curing cancer. That’s a man’s job. Body hair shaving is just one of the many elaborate, insidious ways society has developed to keep women in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the beauty parlor, and out of the laboratory.

From the hills for Faydwer to the plains of Odus the old world weeps as the smallest, most hairy little gnome plays a painful song on his most tiny of violins.I could make a sweater, weekly, from the hair that falls off in the shower. Now that's a hair problem.on a related note:would you knit it?

I've already been through my crunchy granola hairy separatist dyke phase. Thank god. On a related note - I found the best damn razor ever. The Schick Xtreme 3 - like buttah!

thanks for the tip, i've been using the venus and it gives me razor burn like crazy.

the crucial key to shaving without razor burn: hot water first, then lather, then use ICY COLD water to rinse your razor. The icy cold rinse is the magic. Thank you, thank you.

The day your not pretty I'll have a beach house on mars